Actually, it is a lovely late summer day, only a few days away from the Autumnal Equinox. There is no real fog. But in my head, it’s another matter. I’m engaged in the mental wrestling match, pitting Desire against Inhibition. I realize that my fear of rejection has me keep silent in the agonizing climate of sexual negativity inside my marriage. If I state my needs, her issues will be expressed and they will override what my desires are. This sucks.
And my usual outlets, based on a rich fantasy life and the accompanying auto-erotic self-stimulation, don’t work any more. Those outlets are about self-centeredness and only exacerbate the loneliness.
There are only so many games to watch on TV, laps to swim, and cold showers to take. I’m giving Anne Rice’s Beauty‘s Kingdom another read-through, seeking some respite in the sumptuous, but implausible, decadence.
Would I walk away from my world and my values, just to feel better or different right now? Stay tuned.