- Sometimes I wish the first time I wake up in the morning would take hold. That I would and could stay awake for sixteen or eighteen hours straight, as if I were 22 or 45 or even 60 again. But no matter, since I’m not and will never be again.
- Sloth and Acedia refer to a particular type of laziness, a spiritual torpor; disinterested, apathetic about developing a closer relationship with God in all Persons of The Most Holy Trinity. Every Catholic experiences this at some point. It is part of our humanity, just as our libido is.
- Then Laziness asks for the floor. Sometimes I’ve just done too much. And some kind of reward, money, a good laugh, a nice dinner, weight loss, a faster time in the pool, or passionate love-making doesn’t appear. I’m disappointed and disaffected. I ask why I even bothered to make the effort, to even care.
- Then the Lethargy sets in. I’m there now. I just want a little magic. A good nap with an attitude transfusion would fit the bill. I received from Amazon, via UPS, a CD of Glenn Could performing Bach’s Goldberg Variations, BWV988. This will more than do for magic.
I do all kinds of things to hide out. Mostly they are “activities”. I’m being busy, waiting for the chance for something exciting, exotic, or just plain memorable to happen. This is not unique to me and it’s certainly not a waste of time. Because there’s a lot of time between the exciting, exotic or memorable events of life. There are gaps to be filled.
So I swim. In the water I get lost. In my thoughts. In time. In my workout. I love feeling the water on my body as I swim. I love how my muscles feel. I don’t care much about my pace or whether I am moving quickly or slowly. I fantasize that a woman desires me because I swim, that she finds me attractive, that I’m wanted.
And I cook. I love the smells, the sounds of a whirring blender, vegetables frying, the colors of the vegetables and fruits. I love to see heavy cream turn into whipped cream. I love sharing what I cook with others.
And I try not to think about the void in Passion. The Love is there. Good old Love. Old Love, soon-to-be geriatric Love. Selfless Christian Sunday School Love. But I need Passion, too. Passion that can flower because that Love is there. Put all the chips on Passion. Tattoo your name inside a heart on my bicep Passion. Staying awake after one fuck, just so we can have another go Passion. No “good” manners, dirty-talkin’ Passion that would make your friends blush on the outside, while they die of envy.
“Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.”– John Mellencamp